The Practice of Forgiving Yourself
We have all had periods in life that we aren’t proud of. Moments we wish we could take back. People we wish we could un-hurt. Sometimes we carry these painful memories with us for a lifetime and don’t permit to put them down.
Forgiving ourselves can feel like letting ourselves off the hook for something that caused pain for others, and we choose to keep punishing ourselves for our wrongdoing. Does continued self-berating change what happened? Perhaps those you have wronged have moved on and yet you continue to hold guilt and shame. Does this serve a useful purpose or is it unnecessary?
Looking back with older, wiser eyes can help you have compassion for that previous version of you. Practising how you speak to yourself can help bring you into the present when you find yourself drifting into self-blame. Finally, creating a ritual around apology and letting go can help put the event in the past for good. These 3 components are tools to help you put the past to rest and move on with acceptance and grace.
1. Reviewing the Past with Kind Eyes
When you consider reflecting on your past wrongdoings, I invite you to do so with kind eyes. Imagine you are looking at the child of a friend or someone you love. What would you say to them about their behaviour? How could you support them? Review the events that happened and think about what that person was going through at that time. What do you think they needed at that time and going forward so they could make better choices?
Now turn that kindness and support to yourself. Being young is hard, without a full understanding of how the world works. Simple and soft reminders that you weren’t the person you are now may allow you some space to forgive yourself.
Can you forgive yourself for your past wrongs and free yourself up for your future?
2. 3 Steps to Change the Way You Speak to Yourself
Continuing to be hard on yourself keeps you stuck in the past. Pay attention to your internal dialogue and reflect on the changes you have made in your life that no longer agree with your daily self-talk.
1. NOTICE the voices in your head that tell you that you are failing, not good enough, not moving fast enough – and – with kindness – say – thank you – I know you are trying to help me to do better but I am not the same person I was.
2. BREATHING - put aside those voices by inhaling love from the universe and holding it for a count of three, let the love fill you. Then exhale all the pain and exhaustion and harshness from your body. Repeat as many times as needed.
3. REPLACE the words you are saying with those that support you.
Take this practice with you into your days and use it with wild abandon. We all deserve gentleness, and we need to be able to care for ourselves in this way.
3. Ritual of Apology and Letting Go
Perhaps you have never apologized to the parties you wronged. Perhaps an apology seems insufficient. Perhaps you cannot apologize because those people are no longer alive or interested in communicating with you.
Constructing a ritual to help you express your apology can support you in acknowledging and moving through what happened. This apology is for you to help reconcile your relationship with yourself, not to request someone else’s forgiveness. The act of an apology will help you let go of the past so you can move into the future in a new way.
Some ideas for a ritual apology include:
Writing a note of apology to the people involved, reading it aloud and then releasing it in some way – burning, floating away on water, attaching it to a helium balloon and watching it fly away
Remove petals from a rose, one by one, and with each petal apologizing for an aspect of the past – then burning or burying the petals
Collecting reminders of the event and letting them go – giving them away, disposing of them
The events of the past concluded with a bad ending that has kept you stuck. These practices help to craft a good ending so you can let go, heal, and move on.
Reviewing the past, considering your present and taking action to let go are all ways to help forgive yourself for past events. We get stuck carrying our past with us without really looking at how we have changed since the events occurred. Looking at the past and considering the present helps us see ourselves with kinder eyes and ‘catch up’ with ourselves in our present state. These steps help remind us of our journey to the present, help us reconcile our relationship with ourselves, and free us up to enter more fully into the future.