5 Obstacles to Sexual Pleasure and How to Address Them: A Post for Women and the People Who Love Them.
Many women I speak with have times in their lives where they have lessened desire. Sometimes it is a lull in a relationship after being with someone for an extended time. Or it might be a life transition like having children, a promotion at work or the death of a parent. A decrease in sex drive can also occur when a woman reaches menopause.
As women, we may also experience underlying obstacles to being sexual regardless of what else is happening in our lives. If any of this rings true for yourself or a loved one here are 5 common obstacles and how to address them:
OBSTACLES:
The To-do List – For most women, our brains are active all the time. We are usually concerned about meeting other people’s needs, so thoughts often involve who needs what from us and when. Sometimes sex falls into the category of someone else wanting something from us. It can be a challenge to shut these thoughts down and shift gears into relaxation and pleasure mode.
Beliefs About the Self – We often do not feel like being sexual when we feel uncomfortable in our bodies. If we feel unattractive it may be difficult for us to feel sexual. Not liking our bodies or certain body parts can make us feel awkward about being “sexy”. Depending on how you were raised, you may feel guilt or shame about being sexual and be hesitant to discuss your desires with your partner. This shame or guilt can also shape the knowledge you have about your own bodies. Many women are still uncomfortable looking at their bodies, let alone masturbating. These negative beliefs may not show up initially in a relationship and may emerge over time and can get in the way of connecting with ourselves and our partners.
Society’s Beliefs About Women’s Sexuality – Our experience growing up, especially in some religious environments, may bring with it beliefs about women’s sexuality, the role of sex in a relationship, expectations around when sex is okay or not okay, rules around touching oneself and so on. Sex education in schools still focuses on penetration for the purpose of procreation and prevention of STIs and does not discuss pleasure. Especially women’s pleasure. These messages highlight the male orgasm and do not discuss women’s experiences other than to emphasize consent and discussion about contraception. The world is still seen through a male lens, and this affects fashion, movies, music, and almost every facet of being in the world. The male gaze defines what is or is not attractive. The explosion of the porn industry largely serves the male perspective and therefore often defines what is expected in the bedroom. Sexual acts in porn are just that: an act. There is no relationship, no connection. It is a performance. If we as women do not take the time to deconstruct what we are taught about sex and learn to redefine our sexual experience for ourselves, these beliefs can overwhelm and shut down our sexual desires.
Sexual History and Shame – We all bring our previous sexual experiences into our current relationships; but if those previous experiences have been negative, our bodies hold those feelings even if we fight against them. If you have felt silenced in previous relationships, you may not feel comfortable stating your needs or wants in a sexual relationship. Women are socialized to be pleasers and not to ‘rock the boat’. We are more inclined to stay quiet for fear of rejection or hurt of another kind. If you have experienced sexual violence or other types of violence in a relationship, you are more likely to hold onto those fears in your current relationship and often have feelings of shame around those previous experiences. As with society’s beliefs about women’s sexuality, women often internalize a sense of shame around their sexuality. You may feel uncertain how to express your sexuality appropriately and in a way that is ‘acceptable’, out of discomfort and fear of judgement from a partner.
Shutting Down With a Partner – Relationship difficulties, feeling pressured into sex, lack of emotional safety, feeling unfulfilled during sex because of focusing on getting it done rather than taking time for the experience, are all instances where women may shut down their sexual experience with their partner. When a partner does not meet your sexual needs and you are afraid to ask to have those needs met, a break in communication and trust can occur. If a relationship is challenging and the issues are not being addressed, it can feel safer to shut down around sex rather than to open up to the vulnerability of dealing with relationship issues.
The circumstances above can lead us to put up our guard to protect ourselves emotionally. When our guard is up, we cannot relax and let go into the pleasure of sex. Feeling relaxed and safe is essential to be able to lower the walls and engage in sexual pleasure.
Opening up and being vulnerable can be extremely challenging; and certainly, in abusive or unhealthy relationships this is not advised. In a healthy relationship, the suggestions below provide a pathway towards connection so you can feel safe to open to your sexual experience.
SUGGESTIONS:
Communicate – Communication is key for every relationship including the one we have with ourselves. At the beginning of a relationship, we take lots of time communicating with each other. We want to know everything about our partner. After a time, we think we know everything there is to know and that’s when we stop asking questions. We stop learning and growing with each other. What if you approached your partner with curiosity? Approached yourself with curiosity? To start reclaiming intimacy is to open the conversation about sex and create a safe space to discuss what is working and what isn’t, needs and wants, fantasies and fears.
Emotionally Connect – For some people emotional connection is needed before sex and for others, emotional connection is achieved through sex. In relationships sex can become mechanical: you know what turns you and your partner on, you hone in on those details and get it done. Even though the physical need is met, the emotional and pleasure connections are not made. Remember when sex was fun? Remember when you spent time thinking of how to woo your partner? Esther Perel defines foreplay as beginning after the last orgasm. How do you maintain a sexual and emotional connection with your partner between sexually intimate times? Setting aside time for sex is an opportunity to rediscover intimacy and find the fun in being intimate together. Don’t just set aside time for the sexual act; include time to set the stage. What gets you in the mood? A cup of tea, a foot rub, a massage, candles, music, lingerie, erotica, masturbation, steamy movies? Your sensuality and desire belong to you. How can you see your partner more sexually? What gets in the way? Faith Harper describes sex as being about pleasure and connection. Feeling connected to your partner between sexual encounters and in other aspects of your relationship will translate to the bedroom.
Creating Space and Time – I sometimes recommend my clients set aside times for sex in their week. This can be perceived as ‘unsexy’. I like to frame it as setting aside time for connection. Often people want sex to be ‘spontaneous’. Once a relationship is through the honeymoon stage – where you are creating opportunities for intimacy – life starts to take hold and it can become more challenging to set aside time for sex. Two types of desire have been defined: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous is the type characterized at the beginning of a relationship. For most men, this continues past the beginning of a relationship, and they will spontaneously want to have sex. For many women, responsive desire is more common. Responsive desire happens in response to stimuli. You may not feel interested in being intimate, but you become interested as you are stimulated in ways that turn you on. You still need to be open to being turned on and that is an act of will versus emotion. Laurie Betito, in her video “The Pleasure Principle,” describes it like going to the gym. You know it is good for you and you feel better afterward but you don’t necessarily want to go before you get there. As you create time for intimacy, build in time to transition from your day to your relationship. Make a conscious choice to be open to intimacy.
Patience – Building a mutually pleasurable sexual experience may take time and attention. What helps you feel connected to your partner? If you have lost a sense of safety either internally (emotionally) or externally (physically) with your partner it may take time, effort, and openness on both your parts to regain it. Build rituals to affirm your connection to one another: create time for your relationship, prioritize time for your sexual relationship, for being sexual with each other. Slow down. Notice what feels good and what does not and communicate that to your partner. Start by focusing on touch rather than moving all the way to intercourse. Get reacquainted. Pretend you know nothing about each other. Ask what feels good. Slowing down can give you the opportunity to catch up to where you are at this point in your relationship, rather than working on previous expectations.
Sex and intimacy are wonderfully and painfully nuanced. I encourage you to explore your own sexuality and your partner’s with curiosity and patience. Allow yourself to go to those deep, dark places in a way that feels safe for you. Learn about yourself, your history and find out about your partner’s. Set aside time for each other, not just for sex, but including sex. Expand your concept of intimacy to include time to get aroused when you know sex is on the menu that evening, even if that needs to take all day: from choosing your clothes in the morning and sending sexy messages during the day. Find ways with yourself and with your partner to make sex fun again.
Looking to learn more about sensual connection? Click here to listen to a Sensual Body Scan Meditation.