Letting Go of Guilt and Shame
by Taylor Palmer
Autumn has arrived, and as the days grow colder and the sunlight dwindles, many find themselves overwhelmed by changes in emotional routines. The worsening weather, the increased time indoors, and the pressures of the holidays can all impact our moods. Whether you live with Seasonal Affective Disorder, a clinical condition characterized by depressive episodes brought on by the changing seasons, or you simply long for summer, the colder months can be a challenging time for anyone. Feelings of guilt and shame creep in unannounced and can be difficult to banish once they arrive. The stories these negative feelings tell us about ourselves make it challenging to talk about them. This article seeks to shed some light on how guilt and shame manifest and how to cope with them when they arise.
Let’s begin with a few definitions. Guilt involves the belief that one has done something wrong, while shame refers to the belief that one’s thoughts and feelings, even their very identity, are wrong. Notice the word belief. While some actions that provoke feelings of guilt might be morally wrong, many of us also beat ourselves up over completely neutral behaviours that we believe carry negative associations. Guilt can spiral into shame when we believe that our actions define who we are. For example, someone might feel guilty for forgetting their partner’s birthday, but that uncomfortable feeling can grow into shame if they believe that, because they forgot their birthday, they must be a neglectful partner. According to Higgins’ Self-Discrepancy Theory, human beings often compare who they are, or the actual self, with who they want to be, the ideal self, or who they believe important people in their lives want them to be, the ought self. Higgins argued that feelings of guilt and shame arise when we fail to measure up to what we believe others expect from us. But how can we free ourselves from those expectations?
When you feel the urge to speed up, slooow down. It makes sense that, if those guilt and shame arise from a gap between who you are and who others want you to be, some believe reducing that gap will alleviate their discomfort. However, chasing others’ dreams of who you should be can distance you from your authentic self. You might find yourself running from uncomfortable emotions rather than running towards your goals. By slowing down, you can take the time to get in touch with your values and prioritize them, instead of overvaluing what others demand from you.
Practice gratitude and self-forgiveness. When experiencing guilt or shame, it can be easy to focus on one’s perceived faults and shortcomings while neglecting positive qualities and experiences. Expressing gratitude can shift focus towards those things that enrich life and foster a well-rounded self-image. Instead of dwelling on what’s missing, celebrate what’s already there. Self-blame can also underscore feelings of shame. Finding fault in yourself can feel like the simplest way to assume control of an uncomfortable or threatening situation. Accepting that certain experiences cannot be controlled may initially create more discomfort, so go easy on yourself. You’re doing the best you can.
Treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for taking care of. Feelings of unworthiness can make it difficult to meet your needs. People who believe they have done something wrong often do not feel worthy of love and support. Buying into negative self-talk can obstruct the very care that might relieve the seasonal doldrums. To combat those insidious beliefs, imagine someone close to you, perhaps who you have supported in the past. If that person needed reassurance, would you deny them those kind words because they snoozed their alarm too many times? If they were hungry, would you withhold food until they completed everything on their to do list? We all deserve to feel supported, and you deserve to feel like you can lean on yourself for that support.
Help others. In line with the previous point, finding purpose through helping family, friends, and your greater community can do wonders to soothe the discomfort of guilt and shame. Knowing your actions have a positive impact on those around you makes it difficult to find fault internally. Whether you choose to volunteer in your community or simply extend a kind word to a stranger, acts of generosity help build connections to others. If you trust in the bonds with the people in your life, you may not worry so much about the imagined standards they set.
Implementing these tips may be uncomfortable, and the process will be slow. Breaking the habit of talking down to yourself takes time and effort. No matter what, remember that you deserve all the time and understanding required to find what works for you. Guilt and shame may never vanish entirely, but I hope that these tricks will ease their burden and help you embrace the autumn weather.
Taylor Palmer (B.A. Psychology) is a writer, performer, and creator whose work has been featured in festivals across Canada, including the Reel 2 Real Film Festival. They currently work from Vancouver, BC.